Failure
Once, I had a self-satisfyingly blithe perception of failure as a constructive and inevitable part of life. It was through failure, that I was prompted to rise up and overcome, forbidden to become complacent, and strengthened in the areas that I would otherwise be weak. When I became accountable for the academic success (or lack of) sixty individuals, failure took on a whole new meaning. Failure is no longer limited to the personal, but moreover, has public and enduring implications. If I fail as a student, at most it means that I re-visit the content and pass the next exam. Failing as a teacher, however, has overarching and enduring implications for many more lives other than my own.
It is with the deepest regret and shame that I recall how I failed my third period class.
This past year, I was very blessed to receive the teaching assignment of reading teacher.
Although I taught both 7th and 8th grade, Reading was only required for students who demonstrated the need for remediation-therefore, granting me extremely small class sizes. My classes averaged at about 10 students, the largest class being 12, the smallest being 4! While this may seem to be every teacher’s dream with endless opportunities for engagement and innovation – I subtly yet steadily undermined any all of these opportunities by failing to manage this classroom effectively. Classroom management with 4 students?! How does it make any sense that was I able to lead a class of 12 students with relative ease and effectiveness, while letting four strong-willed 14-year old girls run all over me? Essentially, I let my guard down. In an attempt to establish a more intimate, perhaps expression conducive environment- I suspended the formerly established rule, ‘raise your hand to speak or to stand,’ and everything pretty much deteriorated from thereon in.
I am ashamed to say that a typical day would consist of the girls standing in the doorway, observing the ‘action’ of the hallway before coming in, and blatantly glaring at me as I told them to please come in and sit down. In the first few seconds of the first few days, I failed to establish my authority, trading my command as a teacher for my students (wrongly perceived) favorable respect, and therefore establishing a precarious teaching environment from the start.
It became commonplace for my introduction of the class be reciprocated with, “I ‘fin’ not gonna do nothing, Ms. Albanese, real talk, why do we have to have class with only 4 students?
While the very thought of my management and consequential failure is nauseating and painful to write-I can receive some consolation in the fact that it did not continue this way throughout the year. Through parental contact, a complete turn “against” my students favor, from ‘advocate’ to authoritarian, and many other interventions that I never should have had to resort to, ultimately, we were back on track by March. Too late, far too late- I know, but at the expense of four student’s reading instruction, I learned my lesson.
